


one last word, one last moment

by bountifulsilences



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 05:59:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10353705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bountifulsilences/pseuds/bountifulsilences
Summary: "No matter where I am. Who I am. I will always come back to you Stevie. I'll never leave you behind. We're going to grow old, live happily together and finally free. I promise you."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to the song. All those Stucky feels...damn. You won't regret it.
> 
> All mistakes are my own, this is unbeta-d. Also, it talks about a suicide attempt, so be careful when approaching that area of the fic.
> 
> Hope you like it!
> 
> Title: You Said You'd Grow Old With Me by Michael Shulte
> 
> Tumbr: BountifulSilences (same as ao3)

“Did you-“ Steve paused for a second, sparing Bucky a shaken glance, "did you ever want to be found?" 

Staring brokenly, Bucky shook his head, replying, "no." 

He didn't. Never wanted to be found by anyone, especially not Steve. Steve didn't need a deranged, amnesiac best friend on top of saving the world. Bucky could already see the tired creases lining his eyes, digging deeply.

Eyes exhausted, Bucky remembered the sleepless nights when they stayed awake because Steve had an asthma attack and his lungs were scorching, tearing his insides apart. But this new Steve didn't have those problems. New ones had replaced those. Still excruciatingly painful, and without a cure. They had just been replaced.

"Oh." Steve replied, visibly deflating, and nodding. "I guess you deserve that. To choose. Did you ever- did you ever think about me?" 

The question was hopeful, yet droopy with a staggering dose of fear, that perhaps Bucky never thought of Steve, didn't owe him a passing thought. But he did. Spent afternoons on his memories, remembering the laughter, mirth, and happiness. Things so incredibly foreign to him now. How could he not?

They were the only escape from his tragic present and future. 

"Of course, I did Steve, you're always on my mind." Bucky confessed, head diminishing, peering cautiously. 

"Because you can't help it."

"No, because I want to think about us before the war. Before everything went to shit." 

"But you don't want to be found?" 

He sighed. "We've changed. It's easier." 

"Easier that you can move on without me?" 

"I don't think I'll ever move on." 

"But you can try."

Pausing for a moment, he frowned and told him, "so can you, you can try too." 

Steve shrugged. "Duty calls. I don't think I can do anything other than fight." 

But he could. He always could. Paint pictures with his words, drawing vast landscapes to such intricate detail that Bucky would choke up in wonder, and he was special. Fabricating life and hope and imagination into everything he did. Steve was capable of creating the very phenomenon’s that circled the earth. 

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." Abruptly, Bucky's hand clenched into fists, "are they- are they keeping you against your will?" 

He shook his head softly, "no. No, I don't have anywhere else to be so I'm just hanging around. Might as well be of some use." 

"Steve, the whole world is at your doorstep. Explore. Draw. Write. You loved those." 

Steve glanced at him, "until now, I thought everyone I ever knew and had was dead. That they're 10 feet underground and I'm here. I couldn't. I just...couldn't."

Bucky's face descended in understanding, and he knew. The new century was made up of strangers. Heck, he and Steve had turned into them. Segregated so distantly that they struggled to look at each other for more than 5 seconds. It hurt. With a past made up of comfort and love, how could they adapt to all this desolation and isolation?

"I heard about the Valkyrie…" Bucky promoted and Steve let out a watery chuckle, finally looking at Bucky.

He struggled to hold his gaze.

"When you- when you fell, I lost everything Buck," his smile was accompanied with shiny, wet eyes, "I figured what do I have to lose? Peggy might miss me for a while but we didn't love each other. Not like that anyway. So, she could move on. I couldn't." 

"Did you try?" 

"I tore down every Hydra base I got my hand on. But the pain never stopped. Never died. I didn't see the point anymore." Steve confessed, voice wobbling and Bucky itched to gather him into his arms. Securely wrap them around Steve and allow his touch to heal, rather than break.

"We- we didn't even find your body. I searched for it, hoped that maybe I'll find you and you'll be okay, like that time with Zola, but Howard put his foot down. Told me that you were gone and you're never coming back. Guess he was wrong, huh? But not entirely. You never did come back." 

"I-" 

"It's okay Buck," Steve's voice was reducing to a whisper, "you needed to heal. Figure out who you were and move on. Any connection to the past might have hindered that. It's okay." 

"No, it’s not," Bucky told him urgently, "because I didn't do this to move on. It was never about that." 

"Then what was it?" 

He sighed, "I just- had to escape I guess." 

Steve nodded, looking down and- no, Bucky thought, let me see your eyes please. Those wonderful, crystal blue and oceanic eyes. They drowned him in elation whenever they gazed at him. Don't hide them now.

"I get it. Sometimes a link to the past is more harmful than useful." 

"No, Steve-" 

"When I woke up, I wasn't okay, you know?" The belittled smile returned for a brief second, "I ran out of SHIELD, straight onto the street and saw colour, and life and people everywhere. I thought to myself: where am I? Is this heaven? Where's Bucky?"

Bucky knew about this instance, read about it when examining all the Avengers' files. Steve had a panic attack shortly, too worked up and delirious. Nobody knew what to do.

"Turns out I was in the future. Which is funny because I never wanted to go there. But you? You were always banging on about it. Wanting to go to the 'Future', talking to Howard about it. I thought you'd love it." 

He released a staggering exhalation, quickly wiping his eyes and Bucky jerked forward, desperate to hold Steve but kept his arms at bay. He didn't have any right to.

"I hate it here Bucky. Hated it so much because you weren't here. I was alone, had no friends and SHIELD had me on fucking suicide watch. As if that could stop me."

"But you're still here?" Bucky said thankfully, ignoring the constriction in his chest, "you didn't, do it."

Shrugging, Steve replied, "I'm no use to the dead. Captain America can still help the living."

Thickly, Bucky said, "what about Steve Rogers?"

Truthfully, Steve whispered, "he never made it out of the crash." 

And Bucky flinched. Because this wasn't supposed to happen to Steve. Not beautiful, kind Steve, who always had a heart too big for his body. He deserved so much more.

Continuing, Steve's voice went emotionless, "the guys always call me Cap, you know? Because that's who I am. I'm only an asset to them Buck. They never wanted the skinny kid from Brooklyn. They want the war hero."

"But that skinny kid from Brooklyn is the war hero." Bucky stated helplessly, even though there was no one to listen. Steve shrugged. 

"He died a martyr then." 

Sternly, Bucky tried to say, "He's not dead." But it came out as weak as he felt, and devastated as Steve looked. They were both draining. 

"Is he not?" Steve asked, almost challengingly, and that spawned some heat in Bucky's statement. 

"No, he isn't."

"Then why didn't you come back for him?"

"I-" 

Because I couldn't. He wanted to scream. Because I'm dangerous and I can hurt you and that hurts more than anything Hydra ever did to me. Can't you see? You're the only thing I haven't killed. You lived and I need that for you. You must live. Don't throw your life away for me. Please don't. I'm not worth it.

"It's okay," Steve said, a sad smile adorning his face, and he swiped the water from trailing down his face, "it's fine. You don't owe anyone that, I'm sorry." 

"No!" Bucky protested, "don't apologise Steve. You don't need to." 

"But I-" 

"No." Voice firm, "you were only speaking your mind. Don't." 

Sighing, Steve nodded. Inclining further into the depths of Bucky's shitty kitchen counter, he crossed his arms and stared at the floor, seemingly done. Bucky knew better. He was just bottling it up. 

"Please talk to me…don't- don't stop now. Not when you have so much to say." 

Looking up, Steve's shiny eyes bored into his, and he questioned, "what should I say?" 

"Are you okay?" Bucky asked, dreading the undoubtedly sad response, but he had to know. Steve needed to admit it.

"Am I okay?" Steve repeated. Pointing to his face, he circled and laughed incredulously, "do I seem okay? I haven't slept properly ever since I got out of the ice. I'm freezing all the goddamn time because sometimes I think I'm still in there, that this is all a sick dream. And I've cried for this entire conversation. I'd like to say I'm okay. But who am I kidding? I'm not."

"Sick dream?" Bucky repeated, because he was selfish. So fucking selfish. He didn't want it to be a sick dream because he was there too, Steve wasn't alone. Bucky was there too.

"You said-" Steve shrugged, his own body scoffing at him, and smiled deprecatingly, as though he agreed with it, that he was stupid, "you said you'd grow old with me."

Bucky did.

He vowed, before the war, when he and Steve were pressed against each other in bed, gazing up at the clear night sky, whispering secrets into the air. Bucky told Steve that: 

_"No matter where I am. Who I am. I will always come back to you Stevie. I'll never leave you behind. We're going to grow old, live happily together and finally free. I promise you."_

But things had changed. Bucky was stolen and he never did come back, did he? He left Steve alone. 

"I didn't come back." He relayed, voicing his thoughts. "That's why. I promised I would."

"You promised you would, and I was ready to believe anything. Guess it just stuck. It was easier to convince myself it's a bad dream, knowing you would always come back if it was real. If you didn't, it wasn't real." 

Bucky stared intently at him, "I left you behind." 

"No- no I left you behind." Steve choked, "you didn't do anything Buck. I should have searched harder and I should-"

"I promised."

"And you've changed, okay? You didn't know. You couldn't have but I was so stupid- stupid and I was just clinging onto false hope but I-" 

"I promised."

"Please don't." Steve whimpered, he shook his head, and stray tears glided down his face, "don't do this to me Bucky."

"I said I'd grow old with you." 

Both of them saw it coming, because Steve nodded, eyes scrunching to prepare for the avalanche of tears, and his lips tightened against each other. His sob breached the barricade. Tears streamed down his face. And he cried, for the first time in so long. Because it was true. Bucky had made a promise when he was intoxicated in love, that he’d never leave Steve behind.

They would always be together, if Steve wanted him, because they had no one. No family, no distant relatives, and no other best friends. They were all each other had.

Bucky didn't think twice, before rushing over to Steve, gathering his long limbs, and slotting them against his body, tenderly holding onto him. Trembling, Steve allowed himself to be held and Bucky rested his head atop of Steve's, pushing back his own tears. He couldn't do lose it now. 

"Is that why you aimed the Valkyrie for the ice? And thought Howard is right, that I'm never coming back? And hate the future so much you're convincing yourself it's a dream?" 

Steve nodded against neck, body shaking. 

"Oh sweetheart." Bucky murmured, "I will always come back for you. If this heart is beating, I will find my way to you. Always."

"I thought you- I thought you didn't want to be found?"

"Because I didn't know. I figured I can't hurt you if I'm not near you, you'd be okay. You have the Avengers. But darling, you're just as bad as me, huh? Suffering through each day, wishing to wake up from this bad dream. Find everything is okay and just how you left it, back in Brooklyn." 

"I only needed you Buck. If you're by my side I can do anything." 

"You don't need me Stevie, you only need yourself. I'm sorry I didn't realise sooner. You don't even want to be with the SHIELD counterpart, do you?" 

Steve shook his head.

"You thought I packed my bags, moved on and began living my life, didn't you? Thought I'd forgot about you and that you were trapped fighting a never-ending war."

He nodded.

"Not anymore sweetheart. You want to come with me? Then come. If they need you Natalia will find us. But no more SHIELD or Hydra. Just us from now on, that okay?" 

"Please."

Bucky kissed Steve's forehead, lingering when he did, and then rested his cheek of Steve's, "anything for you."

Moments of silence passed and Steve's cry diminished into sniffles, whilst he composed himself. Bucky loosened his grip, but didn't let go entirely, and waited for any indication to move away. It never came.

"Sorry, I got your shirt wet." Steve's voice was sheepish and especially deep. Bucky waved it off.

"It's fine. You want to sleep for a bit? We'll head out after a couple of hours." 

Steve nodded, "will you-" 

"Yeah," Bucky said gently, clasping his hand over Steve's, "bedrooms that door over there-" he pointed diagonally, "and bathrooms en suite. Let me lock up and I'll join you." 

"Thanks Buck. 

"Anything for my best guy." 

Seeing the crimson glow decorate Steve's face, he watched him walk away, making one last promise. To ensure that Steve began to live again. To love the future. That's it. If he could do that, then he knew he hadn't completely failed him.

They had to remember themselves to adapt, and that is exactly what Bucky was going to help Steve do. Learn. Adapt. Live. He deserved so much more, but that was all Bucky could offer, but somewhere deep down, he knew it was enough.

They only ever needed each other.


End file.
